Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I don't know who I am.

I feel like I'm going through this process of self-discovery right now. Discovering who I am, who I am not, who I want to be or don't want to be. It's been on my mind for weeks. 

A couple mornings ago, I was wandering around the house, getting things going for the day. Spencer must've been able to tell I was distressed about something because he asked if I was doing OK. I sat down, took a big sigh, and said, "I don't know who I am." We both chuckled. Not the quick response he was hoping for since he was trying to get out the door. 

I went on to tell him all about how and why I came to this conclusion. My rambled thoughts went something like this:

I love being a mom. I do. Best part of my life. But I don't want to be just "Avie and Jack (and now Eden's) mom." Though, that's wonderful and I'm proud to be called that, I want something that makes me ME. 

I feel blessed to have met so many wonderful women here who inspire me daily. With every new friend (and old) I've made, I feel like there's something about them that I can say, "Oh, so-and-so, she does such-and-such." It's something about them that they've worked toward having or becoming and it shows. They all seem so capable and confident. 

This brings me to my other thought on the matter: work. 

I'm discovering a lot about my "nature" through this beauty profiling system I learned about earlier this year. It's been very intriguing to learn and very liberating to find out things about my natural self, due to my Type in this beauty profiling, and discover why I do the things I do. 

Something about me is I'm very flighty. I like the idea of doing things or starting new projects, but I rarely follow through, or if I do, I rarely finish before I am ready to move on to the next thing I won't finish. 

I've concluded this is due to two things: a lack of effort and a lack of confidence or self-doubt. 

I am the worst at this. I see things I'd like to do or make or try, and I automatically think, "I'd never be as good as who I see," and because of that thought, I lack the motivation to work hard to even try. For example: photography. I like theidea of having and taking great pictures and even learning it. But I think to myself that what I want to eventually achieve would never be as good as what I see from others or would take so long to obtain, so I don't do anything about it. 

I think about things I've been successful at in my past, specifically in high school, specifically grades and high jump. I did great with both. 

I always turned things in, did my work on time, worked hard to get pretty good grades. 

In high jump/track, it came easy. I didn't have to work extremely hard, yet I did well, placing at meets, districts and even state a couple times. 

But with both these things, I can see where I seriously could've worked harder and pushed myself more. I didn't take the "hard" classes in high school (like upper-level math and science classes) because they just seemed like too much work and too hard. And other people could figure it out but not me. I wasn't that smart.

With high jump, I could have trained harder, took it more seriously, eaten better to be a better athlete (not the chocolate milk and Handimart crispitos Holly and I would get after our five milers). I could've maybe placed at state four years in high jump instead of two. 

It kind of makes me feel really crappy about myself when I look back at things in life and realize I took the easy way. I'm not saying this with regret because those are still good memories for me. But maybe more with unbelief that that is truly how I was, how I naturally am. 

I'm glad that I have been able to recognize these things because it's helped me discover more about myself and helps me to know what kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life.

For a long time, I've been able to use the excuse of money. If there was a project I wanted to try, I'd tell myself I didn't have money to get the materials or tools I needed for it when I didn't even know if it would turn out or if it's something I'd like to keep trying. 

This isn't the case anymore though. We do have extra money I could use here and there for new hobbies. Spencer always has (whether we've had the money or not), and as frustrating as that's been sometimes, I love that he has so many passions and wants to try and actually follow through with his aspirations. He's always been supportive of me finding whatever kind of hobby I want and getting whatever I need to make it work. 

So it comes back to self-doubt. It really is the only thing holding me back. Spencer tells me the only thing different between me and the people I see who have the skills and talents I'm wanting to develop is they're doing it, and I'm not. 

I don't want my kids to see their mother not doing things, who says I'll work on this or fix that and then sets it on a shelf never to be finished. Not because I didn't try but because I just never picked it up. I want to be someone who goes for things. If I see an idea I like, I want to do it. Even if I never finish it, at least I tried. And maybe I discover it's something I don't really like after all, but at least I will have tried. 

I always tell Spencer I don't have any hobbies (and he has so many!) and he tells me to get one! And then I tell him I don't even know what I would do, and he asks me what my passions are, and I say I don't know! 

But I have them. I just don't let myself really think on them because I lack confidence in my ability to do well. So I stifle them away. But if I don't do well (and I probably won't the first time, or first 10 times, and whatever I'm doing is never going to look exactly like someone else's), at least I tried. And I'll never get better if I don't try at all. 

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